Who shall I choose to be with?
There is this dedicated, hard-working, conscientious, predictable but slightly boring person (no spontaneity here) and then the likeable, affable, adventurous, risk taking, fun but highly unpredictable person (doubt alert). Hey, where are all the Mills and Boons personalities? Wouldn’t we like a healthy and heady mix of all. Why do we have to choose between them?
And then we choose and how!
We decide that a little bit of tweaking for either would do the trick. Hey presto, a wonderful piece of art is gonna show up in no time!
And then we begin to create this masterpiece. We labour over it and we persevere and we read up self help books and we take tips from the internet but whatever we do, we just can’t give it the design we want to, and the more we hammer on it the more it turns into a Frankenstein, a fantasy that envelops us, just waiting to disappoints us every time reality shows up.
So now we end up looking for traits of being more grounded in a fun loving and adventurous person; and wish the hard-working one would take us on more holidays. Here we overlook who they are and persist to show them who they should be.
Is it not that this fantasy about being able to get people to be the way we would like to see them hurtful because we spend a great deal of our resources hoping to see our fantasy pan out but every time the reality shows up we are disappointed. The inability to live out our fantasy generates anger (who would like to give up on their dreams), and it can have devastating effects on our relationship, and in turn take away fun, adventure, security, predictability… just what we looked for in the first place… and bring in distance… (after all has not this relationship been with a fantasy person and not the real one).